There are 2 activities which I came across in the 1970s and which never fail to work—as long as people keep to the rules …
The first is for 2 people. who (in the broadest sense) want to know each other better. Perhaps to get a closer sense of the other person; perhaps to resolve a quarrel; perhaps to help or be helped; perhaps to pass the time.
The rules are:
- each person sits comfortably on the floor (on a rug, on a carpet, whatever);
- each faces the other, just out of touching distance;
- each can take as little time or as long a time as they want before speaking;
- each should say just one thing at a time;
- everything each says must start with “I” or “Now I”;
- everything each says must stay in the present tense;
- each in their turn should do their best to respond to what the other person just said.
The general idea is that everything each person says is a statement. Not an order or a question or a challenge, but a statement about the person speaking, at the moment of speaking.
If you have a question in mind, you will need to say something like “I’m wondering why [x]”, or “Now I’m asking myself how [x]”. This is not just a grammatical restriction. It means that the person speaking takes responsibility for what she/he is asking: he/she recognises that the question belongs to her/him, and is not just a challenge to the other person.
In talking about the past, you will need to say “Now I’m recalling [x]”, or “I’m remembering when [x]”. Again, this is not just some restriction in phrasing. It is allowing you to say what is actually happening, at the moment you are talking, in the encounter between the two of you.
Similarly, reproaches about the past have a quite different meaning when a person says, “Now I’m wondering why you told John,” rather than “Why on earth did you tell John?” And it allows people to say “I find myself getting more and more interested in you”, or “Now I’m getting more and more angry”—owning their own feelings rather than just expressing them.
When you need to sort things with someone, or you have some time to spare, try this suggestion out. You may be surprised at the results.