When I think of the arguments, debates and discussions that I’ve taken part in (more or less since I was able to talk) I ask myself why I have made such little use of a single extra rule which—if the people concerned accept it—is almost guaranteed to make discussions more effective.
The rule is this. Once someone has put forward a view, anyone who wants to join in must summarise that view to the previous speaker’s satisfaction before making a contribution of their own.
An appropriate form of words is: “OK, John. You say that … Is that right?” If the previous speaker says no, perhaps clarifying what she/he said in other words, or just repeating the important words, the new speaker must try again, until the first speaker is satisfied that she/he has been understood.
This can transform frustrating arguments into genuine discussions, in which everyone who participates feels that their point of view has been taken into account. It works whether just two people are engaged in the discussion or a large group is.
If people (in a larger group than two) feel that a speaker accepts a summary too easily, it is acceptable for any of them to say, “John, I think you said something different from that,” or “John, I think you said more than that.” It is then up to ‘John’ to modify his acceptance of the summary—or not. (“I’m happy with that summary myself.”)
By now, you will have got the idea. Try it!